Bali Top 10

A la my iconic countryman David Letterman, here's my Top Ten Things Learned in Bali.

10) Every single Balinese person needs to know where to place you on their mental maps. Where are you from? When did you arrive in Bali? Where are you staying? When are you leaving Bali? Just go ahead and print business cards with your answers - it will save loads of time.
9) You might want to consider putting a "No, not interested" on that card, too ... for whatever gadget or service they're peddling.
9) You can't put on a Santa hat or blow a noisemaker without hitting an Australian during the holidays.
8) How to add "yeah?" to the end of every sentence, like a good Aussie. (I've still got the holdout European "no?" popping up every so often in my speech, so maybe it will cancel out.)
7) Go to the Gili Islands. And Ubud. And the rice paddies. And the volcanoes and lakes. And the black beaches on the east coast. Leave the traditional beach zone (Kuta, Legian) to neighboring Java's old hats and candy wrappers, the incessant merchants and the Speedo-clad Russians.
6) Bali is a great place to gain five pounds on the fabulous banana pancakes, mango lassis, Baileys Comets, tuna steaks or the peanut sauce at Nomad's restaurant in Ubud. Bali is a great place to lose five pounds to the Bali Belly ... just don't get caught on Gili when the whole island's plumbing is out.
5) Bali is perhaps the best place in the world to shame yourself into learning another language. Even the beggars know a minimum of three.
4) You ought to suspect something when every single Balinese person says "rain" with an Australian accent.
3) Bali's rainy season is not, in fact, "no big deal," as so many guidebooks and tourists are fond of saying. Good thing we had three weeks to wait out the clouds.
2) Sea turtles are cool. Especially when seen underwater from a few feet away. Komodo dragons are freaky. Especially when they launch spittle like bullets from yards away.
1) Know when high tide is. Try surfing for the first time then. Make sure there are plenty of small children to mow down as they're playing in the shallow water, and plenty of real surfers to annoy by stealing their waves. You'll provide an afternoon of entertainment to an entire beach - and take first place in the Technicolor Bruise Competitions.